Resentment

It is a constant wonder to me how people's moods can swing 180 degrees in a single instant. One moment you are having the best time of your life the next filled with venomous indifference or some other negative chest constricting emotion.

Sadly, i consider myself one of those people with an intense dislike of restriction. Perhaps my family's constant badgering and at times senseless questioning had much to do with it but regardless, the fact is as it stands.

I loathe restrictions.

Ok so i hate alot of things. Call me a whiner, call me an ass. I just call it venting of frustrations. Right now, i'm jus thinking... perhaps an askewed view im sure if O were to read this she would certainly jib me, have some positively stone set answer to refute my 'case'. Granted i could probably not outtalk her, she being logical at these times and i at others but it doesn't change how i feel about it.

ARGHHHHhhhhhhhhh i hate saying this too but none of my EXs ever restrict me from knowing whomever i want to. Uncalled for i know but that's the first thing to pop to mind. If a blog isn't honest i really don't know WTF i'm writing all this for. Naturally in the end i'm writing for my own benefit and i much doubt anyone would read this ever if i don't make these entries private.

Sigh. I always accord whatever i can to my better half. Get that, my BETTER half. I don't place restrictions and all that... even if sometimes it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I realize of course it's jus wishful thinking on my part to expect the 'treat others how u wish them to treat u' saying to be anything more than hogwash.
I don't restrict them from knowing new friends, male or female.
I NEVER, EVER, nose around their belongings, invading their space.
not even secretly.
I make it a point to make sure they are happy when i'm around, smiling laughing... i look on the bright side as much as i can and i think it's growing steadily.

Still, like i explained to O, there are times when i just can't do so. Somehow i feel now like i did when i went to my dad and told him 'Dad i got the highest in school for Eng in Olevels!'
and the reply being 'its only English. What about math n science?'. It hurts when u put so much feeling into something and it turns out 180 to what u thought it would.


Perhaps thats why i usually hope for the best and expect the worse. If i were a machine that state of things would endure 100% of the time but i'm not, unfortunately. Love is a wonderful thing. So it happiness... but i can't help but wonder if being numbed permanantly is a better thing.
I am not a nice person. At the core, there is much hate, violence, impatience and menace whilst not the extreme extent but close enough. Of course, counterbalancing it is a side with goodness? probably not but close enough. A side with chivalry morals and thoughtfulness. Truly the irony of being a gemini, i liken myself to Dr jackall / Mr Hyde... two so different trapped in one. Which would i turn out to be upon the end of my existance... i wonder.

So much said, so much honesty laid out... that being the case, i shall attempt to return home and do, in true gemini style, appeasing O and at the same time, making my plans to head out with the guys known to her...

The union of two intelligent (albeit one less than the other) prideful creatures is such an train wreck waiting to happen but i crave it anyway... for one my equal (or more) who is an embodiment of all i hold dear.

Feeling drained. Is it the lack of rest or issit the accumulated burden of everything weighing down on me... Issues that bothered me still bother me and that could be the cause... like how my mum refuses fervantly to let me drive THE car even though i drive all the time... for goodness sake i want to drive cause of the convenience not cause of the car! If aH koo wasn't using her car i wouldn't even bother asking u!

Truly, controlling one's temper has its downsides. You preserve external peace but not internal balance. Still, more peace on the surface is better than open fighting n hostility. So.

I plow on.

I shall really end this entry here at this time, i really ranted loads. Hope it does me good.